Diary of a Mutated Green Woman
by Vilsy
Summary: Assuming Mona Lisa stayed with the Turtles after the events of "Raphael Meets His Match", she keeps a record of her strange new experiences in a notebook. Will she decide to stay for good, or is her bizarre new life too much for her to bear?
1. Cold Pizza & New Experiences

**Diaries of a Mutated Green Woman**

**A/N:** Hiyo. I usually do this, and I apologize. I'm working on "No Longer Responsible" which is pretty angsty and dramatic, so I need to work on a more light-hearted fic of the same fandom simultaneously to keep myself sane. So this is just a silly account of how Mona Lisa's time with the Turtles might have panned out, as told through a journal she keeps. I'm open to suggestions or comments about the way it's written—I've tried to keep it relatively diary-like but I may have faltered for sake of story-telling clarity and compliance with the general rules of . Anyhoo, I hope you enjoy, those of you who care about poor Mona!

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Day 5

I have finally gotten a proper notebook in which to write my new experiences! I found that I need only ask. Donatello says he has plenty of ruled paper and pens to spare, while Michelangelo was happy and quite proud to lend me a sketchbook half-filled with drawings and a handful of crayons. It was quite charming.

This place is quite amazing, despite being a cavernous series of rooms in a dank subterranean sewer system. The turtles and their father have truly turned an otherwise harsh environment into a cozy home. It is very impressive. They have an oven and a stove which actually work quite well, a dining table, and a widescreen television in their surprisingly comfortable living room area. The five of them gave me a tour of the place but I still don't think I've seen all there is to see in this "lair" of theirs. It is all very fascinating.

My new companions have shown me nothing but kindness and have been very accommodating. Splinter, their father, has been especially attentive. I've been here less than a week and he has invited me to stay permanently. I have not given a formal response to this, but he and the turtles are discussing where they might set up a bedroom for me. I can't believe it. Me? Living with the real Ninja Turtles?

I slept on the couch for the first two nights; it was a bit lumpy but it reminds me of my college days. On the third night, over dinner, (more pizza, they seem unable to get enough of it) Raphael sat across from me and would not stop staring. I thought I must have had pizza on my face. Finally he blurted out that I should sleep in his room and that he would sleep on the couch instead. This elicited an "ooooh" from his brother Michelangelo, and I fancied I could see a slight change in coloration on Raphael's cheeks as he punched his brother in the arm. Perhaps just my perception playing tricks on me.

In any case, Splinter condoned Raphael's sense of chivalry and I accepted his kind offer. I have noticed that he tries to maintain a tough outer skin, or shell as it were, but seems to have a soft spot hidden away that he is reluctant to show. I overheard him talking with his brothers a couple of days after I came here-- he has a temper on him and likes to use choice words in an argument. When he noticed me in the doorway, he seemed embarrassed and got rather quiet and flustered. Something about his mannerisms are, dare I say, attractive.

The turtles each have their own small bedrooms- they seem to be converted utility rooms as they are lined with fuse boxes and circuit breakers. They each have decorated their personal space with their own sense of style-- Raphael has covered up much of the electrical boxes by hanging punching bags and various pairs of boxing gloves (though I have yet to see him ever wear them). They sleep on futon mattresses laid over a rug. It seems to do well enough against the moisture on the ground. I suppose a wooden box spring would just rot out from under them in these conditions. In any case, Raphael's bed was comfortable, even in this musty, humid sewer. I have finally gotten used to sleeping here without being afraid. It occurred to me that the only apprehensions I have would be to see a sewer rat or an aligator. I realize my hosts are giant mutated reptiles and... a sewer rat. Taking that into consideration, there's nothing in this sewer worth being frightened of. Splinter and the turtles keep assuring me that I am safe. I am really starting to feel that way.

Day 6

After breakfast (more cold pizza) I overheard Leonardo speaking with Splinter as I was cleaning up. It sounded as though they will go out into the city later tonight. I heard mention of my name but I thought it better not to ask unless they choose to enlighten me. I do feel a little apprehensive though.

I watched them spar again this morning. It truly is amazing to see. They are all so dexterous and nimble, and have amazing strength and stamina. Watching those kung-fu movies in college is nothing compared to seeing these guys in action. Michelangelo likes the fact that I sit in the corner and watch them. I can tell he loves to show off. He keeps saying "Watch this, Mona!" and then performs some extravagant maneuver. I always clap for him, even when he trips and falls into a wall or gets pummeled by one of his brothers. I think Raphael is put off by Michelangelo's "showboating" as he calls it, as he often catches his brother off guard and pins him to the floor when he starts his "Hey watch me, Mona" performances.

Afterwards, they meditate. I have been sitting quietly and watching for the past few days, pretending that they are sentries of the Grenadier Guards in Great Britain, sitting completely still and guarding a royal castle. Today I imagined them wearing those high, fuzzy black hats and I couldn't hold back a laugh. I covered my mouth but they all opened one eye and glared right at me. I was a little nervous as I thought I was being disrespectful to their art, but Leonardo held out his hand and motioned for me to go over to them. I didn't know what to expect, but he asked me to sit with them and said he could teach me how to meditate if I wanted. Out of respect and curiosity I agreed. I've been to a few Yoga classes so I figured it was just some simple breathing exercises. It really is much more complicated than that. Leonardo showed me how to sit properly in the Lotus position. My tail kept smacking Donatello. I apologized like mad and he just smiled and said it was all right. I was so embarrassed. I'm convinced this appendage has a mind of its own. I'd cut it off but it may just grow back. And honestly I don't want to look more freakish than I already do.

Day 7

Michelangelo was doing his thing again this morning... spinning those nunchucks around like helicopter rotors and begging me to watch him. (Or I think it is spelled nunchakus. I'm still learning this stuff) Raphael did this amazing sweep kick and shoulder ram combination to poor Michelangelo. It sent him flying into the wall right next to me. Raphael ran over yelling "are you all right? I'm sorry I'm sorry!" I didn't realize he was talking to me not his brother. I laughed and told him I was fine. He looked relieved and a little embarrassed and he smiled at me. Then he turned around and headed back into the fray with Leonardo and Donatello without giving Michelangelo a second look. Poor fella. I went to check on him to see if he was hurt but he just picked himself off of the floor, gave me a thumbs up and ran back. They certainly are resilient.

After the normal morning activities, Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Raphael left the lair. Sometimes they all rush out with their weapons and don't say where they are going. I'm guessing that's when they go do what they do best. I don't know them to go out during the day time much otherwise. It seems like Splinter wishes them only to go out during the evening when possible. He had mentioned to me several days ago that the practice of ninjitsu requires absolute stealth. The fact that they are all giant talking animals factors in also, but I don't think he wished to mention that in front of me. I believe he is quite concerned with my emotional stability and general safety now that I am the way that I am-- he keeps referring to the city as the "outside world" and constantly talks about the danger that exists up there for "people like us". Though Splinter is kind and wise, I have this discomfort in the pit of my stomach. I feel like he expects me to stay underground forever.

On a brighter note, Donatello invited me into his lab today. It is a large room compared to their bedrooms, but a little smaller than the area they have designated for their training. But my, is it filled with all manner of machines and computers! He even has a chemistry set. Tons of slides and microscopes, Petri dishes and even a Bunsen burner. I was amazed. I couldn't stop yapping about all of the equipment and how impressed I was. It was very nostalgic to be in that sort of environment again. After my excitement I felt a little choked up by it all. He was so kind to let me go through all of his things; I was usually so protective of my own personal workspace. He even said I could borrow any of his books if I wanted. I felt so foolish asking to borrow a college chemistry book that was sitting on his desk. He told me he'd read it at least 50 times. Just for kicks we alternated reciting the elements on the Periodic Table. It felt so good to be nerdy again! It reminded me so much of college and working in the labs. I actually think I started to cry because Donatello stopped laughing at his own joke about Plutonium and hesitantly put his hand on my shoulder. I felt so embarrassed but he didn't say anything. He just held his hand there and I felt so safe, even though my heart was shattering.

He asked me if I like his lab and I told him that of course, I do. He slipped a quantum physics book in my arms along with the chem book and told me to go sit in the living room and relax, which I did. I felt so silly. I was fighting those tears while I flipped through the physics book. It felt so good to be exercising my mind again. Quantum physics. Nobody completely understands that. I'm starting to think Donatello might.

I'm starting to wonder about my apartment, and what will become of me. The landlord has surely been knocking on my door. I've been gone for so long. I've probably been sent eviction notices. I really don't know what to do. It's so hard to think that I may have to leave all of that behind.

It sounds like the other turtles are back now. I hope they didn't bring more pizza.

Day 8

Last night we ate pepperoni and mushroom pizza. But today I found out what the three turtles had been doing while out of the sewer. They brought me a mattress of my very own! It seems as though they had acquired it a couple of nights ago and spent the day trying to "sanitize" it so to speak. They didn't say and I don't have the gall to ask, but my guess is they found it in an alley or perhaps a donation for the less fortunate or some such means. It is definitely pre-used. I am grateful regardless. I can tell these guys do not have much money (I'm not even sure where they get the money that they do have) and are by and large scavengers when the chips are down. I would have been perfectly happy on the couch, although late at night that seems to be Michelangelo and Raphael's roosting spot in front of the television. I'm still amazed that they get cable service all the way down here. I wonder if they are stealing it but again, I don't have the gall to ask.

In any case, Donatello has offered to let me use the free space in his lab as my own bedroom. At first I thought, what free space? When I was in there yesterday, it seemed rather crowded with all of his engineering projects. Well as it turns out, after he sent me to the living room, he spent time rearranging things so that there would be an empty side of the room to fit this mattress. I really can't believe how much these guys are going out of their way for me. I mean, we are still strangers essentially. I am thinking that perhaps they feel sorry for me.

Day 10

Missed yesterday's entry. Was too busy setting up my new "room".

This isn't a useful observation or documentation of my new friends, but it is driving me a little nuts. My hair is so dirty. I tried to run my fingers through it but I simply cannot. It's starting to matte and I feel disgusting. I am this close to grabbing a fork and trying to detangle it. I just barely stopped myself from asking Raphael if he had a comb that I could borrow. I must have looked so stupid. "Dur, excuse me Raphael, do you have a comb with which you groom your long flowing locks?" Yeah Mona, a research assistant whose powers of observational logic are lacking at the moment. I thought perhaps Splinter, having fur, would have a brush of some sort. I was again so embarrassed that I just couldn't ask.

They do have a bathroom. It's more like a janitor's closet. Every time you pull the little chain to turn on the flickering light bulb, a million spiders skitter away into the shadows. It's the only part of the lair I can't quite get used to. There's a toilet and a showerhead affixed to the wall-- I think it was specially rigged since who else in their right mind would need to install a shower in the sewer? Donatello showed me how to work the thing without breaking it (it's a delicate procedure). He kept mentioning that he was working on the plumbing but it involved tearing out a lot of the bricks and replacing a faulty hot water heater. He seemed really nervous and embarrassed for some reason. I know it's not exactly the Hilton, and the thing only spits out cold water, and the only soap here is lemon-scented dish detergent, and I don't have to mention that there is no shampoo, but I'm not ungrateful. Though I do think Splinter is hoarding something-- for a rat he sure does smell pleasant and looks very clean.

Taking a shower felt good, even if it was freezing and it felt like the walls were closing in. But it didn't do much for my hair. Without shampoo, a brush or a comb I'm afraid the salt water from the ocean has done some pretty nasty damage. I guess I shouldn't worry too much about appearance. Nice, clean hair won't do much for the rest of this ugly body. Frankly I just feel gross. Not just from having tangled hair, but not knowing the physiology of what I have become. It's killing me. At least I don't feel so much like a sea slug anymore.

Day 11

I am not sure how this is all going to pan out. Donatello really enjoys studying late in his lab. He likes that I take an interest in his work. It seems like his brothers do not so much. He mentioned he feels more like a fix-it guy where they are concerned. It appears as though Raphael and Michelangelo are prone to breaking things. I am still fascinated with Donatello's intelligence and knowledge. I spent years in college studying, learning, and straining over what he seems to have picked up from reading second-hand school books. He must be a certified genius. I felt like I was in his way when I tried to tidy up my side of the lab. He was diligently fixing one of the phone-type devices that they use to communicate when they go to the surface. I hope he wasn't forced into sharing his space with me by Splinter or his brothers.

Raphael knocked on the lab door very late last night claiming to have broken the television remote control. Donatello took a look at it and flipped the batteries the correct way and handed it back. Raphael kept looking at me; I wasn't sure how to react. I know I hadn't touched the remote batteries, but he just kept staring as if I'd done something. It took him a while but he finally backed out of the room without so much of a "thank you" to his brother. Not 10 minutes later, Raphael came back with another gadget to fix. Donatello has a lot of patience. But the 4th time Raphael came in with a repair request, he started to get perturbed and asked what was going on. Raphael explained that Michelangelo had somehow broken the television itself. Donatello left in a huff, but Raphael stayed behind. He was acting rather strangely again and paced back and forth. He looked like he wanted to speak to me but he didn't say a word. I asked him "What's shakin' big boy?" I thought he might get a laugh out of it, but he just gave me a look like his was going to be sick. I felt like he was gawking at my hair, or worse, at the rest of me. I must have looked so trashy to him. Finally Donatello came back and Raphael seemed flustered when he insisted that the TV was fine. He said good night and stormed out of the room. It was really bizarre. I hope Raphael is feeling all right. I thought he and I made a great team out on the ocean. He even said I was kind of cute. I guess "kind of" is a nicer thing to say than "not at all". But now he's acting like he can't even speak to me.

So then I lied down on my new bed (They brought me flowery sheets, a pillow and a blanket; Michelangelo lent me his teddy bear. It was sweet.) and after maybe 20 more minutes Donatello seemed to remember that this was also now my bedroom and it had to have been nearly 1AM. He got up and started shutting down all of his machines and apologizing to me. I told him it was fine. It is his laboratory after all. He seemed rather embarrassed as he said good night and shuffled out of the room. I'm not certain about this but I think I heard Raphael and Donatello arguing after he closed the door.

Second entry for today. I was fussing with my hair during my usual observation of the turtles' morning physical activities. Michelangelo must have noticed that I wasn't watching him because he came over to me and knelt down. He did the weirdest thing and it freaked me out. He lifted his finger to my head like he was going to poke me and asked "can I touch it?" Normally I'd slap a man (or turtle) for a come-on like that, but I realized he seemed fascinated with my hair. I suppose it wasn't so weird- he doesn't have any of his own so it must be at least vaguely intriguing. I felt so embarrassed because he was so straightforward, and my hair was so mussed up and filthy. I batted at his hand to playfully give him the idea that he'd be better off not putting himself through the experience. I'm sure Michelangelo meant no harm but Raphael came out of nowhere and grabbed him by his belt and flung him into Leonardo who must not have been expecting it. The two of them careened into Donatello and they all ended up in a huge pile on the floor. Raphael must not know his own strength. He's a very fierce fighter, it's terribly impressive. But he knelt down in front of me and, again, asked if I was all right. Of course I was. It wasn't like Michelangelo "ninjaed" me. I sit far enough out of the way and, for the most part, the turtles are mindful of where I am so they don't accidentally put me in harm's path. Besides, if it came to it, I know I'd be able to move quickly enough to dodge out of the way. This horrible body is at least good for that. I wonder if he does not want me to be there.

Needless to say, Raphael had drawn attention by chucking Michelangelo like a doll into his other brothers. So they all came over and huddled around us. Raphael looked around at them and seemed like he wanted to punch all of them in the face. I couldn't help but smile- he always puts on this tough-guy face even after looking at me with those concerned eyes. I don't think I'll ever figure him out. Leonardo asked what was wrong, if I had gotten hurt. Raphael started yelling at Michelangelo to stop getting distracted. They all started arguing and I just blurted out. "My hair!" I have NO idea what came over me! In hindsight, it was pretty amusing, how they all turned and looked at me with these befuddled expressions on their faces. Michelangelo gave this really guilty look which I suppose the others noticed because it seemed as though they would gang up on him. I guess they thought he had done something to my hair. I had to give an explanation for the outburst, so I swallowed my pride and just told them that I wished I could comb my hair. I didn't want to seem needy or demanding. They seemed at a loss. Leonardo finally said that they would "fix it". I suddenly got this image in my head of them as a barbershop quartet, wielding scissors and coming at me like in a horror movie. I think the accident has warped my mind somehow.

Day 12

It's almost been 2 weeks since their reporter friend brought me here. It seemed so surreal. I have seen the woman on the news before; I would never have guessed she was close friends with the Ninja Turtles. She must be a much better researcher than me. I was really apprehensive to trust her at first. I mean her solution to my life's problems was to get four pizzas and go into the sewers. So far I suppose it was a solid plan.

They often watch her report the news in the evening. They all pile onto the couch (except the couch is made for 3 so Michelangelo sits on the floor) and Splinter sits in the kitchen and hums to himself while drinking tea. I plop down in the armchair by the couch. By the way they intently watch, I think they are something like her bodyguards- as if they are just waiting for something bad to happen so they can go rescue her and save the day. It's sort of romantic in a way.

I realized watching the news might be my only glimpse into the world I left behind. I feel pretty depressed about it today. My new friends are great and I really care for them, but I don't know how much longer I can last cooped up like this. I miss the "outside world" but now I feel so worthless. I don't have a purpose anymore. I'm afraid to leave. But I'm also afraid to stay.

I think I messed up today. I've been moping too much and my hosts have noticed. I try to look content as possible but Splinter is very observant. I suppose my eyes were tearing up and I didn't realize it, but he did. We sat down in the living room and chatted for a bit. He asked me some more questions about myself. To be honest all I could say was where I used to live and some silly memories about the university. I feel like I'm forgetting who I am. I feel so weak now.

Splinter told me to "take heart". The problem is, I don't know where to take it. It really seems like this is the only place I can be safe with people who will understand me. As much as it hurts me to hear Splinter's shtick about the "outside world", I know deep down that it's true. No one up there will ever accept me the way I am now. Everything I lived for is gone. My job, my research, my team, my friends, my family... my mother would die if she saw me like this. It's over.

So today I have accepted Splinter's offer finally.


	2. Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Diaries of a Mutated Green Woman

**Diaries of a Mutated Green Woman**

**A/N:** Just to clarify, I'm using a mix of different TMNT universes—so this isn't really Rob Paulsen's Raphael (much love to R.P. but I think the edgier Raph is more appropriate for what I'll be going for). So I'll be borrowing some elements from the 2k3 show (which Mona should be in heh heh). Enjoy the next few days! Also I've decided to write some sequences NOT in diary-form, just because I have interesting ideas for dialog. That'll be next chapter. Again, thanks much for reading; I know Mona Lisa isn't the most popular character to read about! Hehe

Day 13

Today I was stupid. I didn't watch the guys train like I usually do. Splinter seemed so pleased that I had agreed to stay. Suddenly I felt trapped. Not so much suspicious or afraid, but very much trapped like a rat. No offense to him. So I slipped out of the lair while they were preoccupied with sparring and just started wandering the tunnels. I was thinking about going topside, but I honestly couldn't remember from which direction the reporter had brought me those weeks ago. It's so dark and miserable down here. It's like a dungeon. But that's really not the worst of it.

I felt rather useless today. I wanted to get out and at least move around- see what this cursed body that I'm stuck in can really do. I just felt like running. So I start sprinting around the sewer like an idiot. Slipping around in the grimy water, tripping over my own tail, practicing jumping to see how high I can really go. It felt exhilarating actually. I started to feel trapped again, like I wished to go out into the world, to take back my life. I felt strong all of a sudden, like it was my right to march back to my apartment, look my landlord in the face and say, "Yeah I'm a mutant slug, what of it? Fix my air conditioner!" With this new outlook on life, I ran through the sewer like I was queen of the underworld. Except then I realized I was lost. STUPID. So then I start to panic when all the tunnels start looking the same. I found a passageway closed off by bars that had light at the other end. I figure it was a way out of the sewer. I tried to squeeze through but I'm too big. Oh, I can't believe how eerie the hissing sound of the running water is. It drowns everything else out. Worst of all I never heard the alligator coming. Oh yes, my second greatest fear of being in a sewer- seeing an alligator. Why not a gigantic white alligator intent on eating a delicious lizard girl for a snack? The way this thing suddenly reared itself out of the sludge and positively roared at me like a T-Rex was terrifying and fascinating. But I'm not a zoologist so I didn't care to stick around and study it. I ran like hell and screamed louder than I think I've ever screamed in my life. I really thought I was going to die. But somehow they heard me. I don't understand how, but they heard me and not long after they came for me.

It all happened really fast. I fell face first into that disgusting slime. I just knew I was dead. But Leonardo and Raphael were suddenly there. I felt myself being pulled up from the water by a pair of hands, and then I was sitting on the concrete. I just saw Raphael throw himself at the alligator and practically wrestle it to the ground. I've never seen anything like it- not even on TV. Leonardo had his swords drawn and he looked at me. He told me to run back down the tunnel and to keep screaming for help. Donatello and Michelangelo would find me that way. But I didn't listen to him. I wanted to stay with them. I couldn't just run away when they were in danger too. The animal was furious and kept whipping back and forth, but Raphael put the thing in a headlock. No joke. Leonardo lunged towards it and made some threatening slashes with his swords, but he didn't harm the thing. Raphael just squeezed its neck and it finally fell over. I don't think it is dead. They must have just subdued it. Maybe it's a mutual understanding between reptiles. Maybe I had no business it that monster's neck of the sewers. I'm not sure but Raphael jumped off of the thing, ran over and picked me up. He and Leonardo brought be back here. They carried me in, dried me off and tucked me into my bed and starting spouting off "are you hurt are you hurt are you hurt?" I was so dizzy from the whole thing that I could barely answer them. Then Donatello and Michelangelo showed up. I don't think Donatello is a doctor but he sure went into nurse mode when they told him what happened. He prodded at my arms and looked into my eyes. Raphael seemed perturbed by this. I have these lovely bandages now, wrapped around my forearm and my tail; I don't have the heart to tell them the bruises are self-inflicted from when I was trying to do this weird wall-kick... maneuver thing. I'm such a mess today. They were all huddled around me. I couldn't take the pressure of them doting on me. I don't know why, but I just blurted out, "I want to go home!" It was so stupid of me. Raphael didn't have his tough-guy face on. He looked really upset. They all did. I think Splinter is going to lecture me about leaving.

Day 14

This morning Splinter lectured me about leaving. I pretended to feel traumatized by the alligator attack to hide my embarrassment. "You must be very careful, blah blah blah. The sewer can be perilous, blah blah blah." Even the local wildlife wants to keep me captive here it seems. I'm going to take a nap. Hopefully I'll feel better about all this later today.

--

I can't believe it! Raphael came into the lab after lunch and brought me some (can you guess?) pizza. He sat on the floor next to the bed and asked me to go outside with him! First there was a fair amount of the awkward silent treatment that he has been giving me, but he finally came out and asked "wanna go out with me? I mean outside!" I am so excited! I asked him if Splinter would give me another lecture, and he just laughed and gave me this confident look. I mean… I know he's a turtle and all but… it was really attractive. We're leaving after night fall. He says it is safer that way. I can't wait!

Day 15

Wow. What a night it was yesterday. It's nearly noon and I just woke up. Donatello must be itching to get into his lab. I'm surprised he hasn't just barged in. I would. I just want to write this down before I go out there.

I haven't had so much fun since before the incident. I suppose that's not saying much since the first thing Raphael did was show me around the sewer system. Way to show a girl a good time. But he seemed really concerned about the alligator incident. I complimented him on how strong and brave he was and how much I appreciate him and Leonardo saving me. He got flustered and told me to forget about it. He asked yet again if I was hurt or in pain from the incident, but I told him I felt perfectly fine. He wanted me to be familiar with the tunnel ways- where is dangerous and where is safe. I told him I have no plans of gallivanting around in the sewer ever again, but I appreciated the gesture. Plus it was nice to be out and moving around again. He is a pretty good tour guide because he made a walk-through septic system seem like Disneyland.

Next, he showed me the place where they usually sneak in and out- a huge grated pipe that spews sewage directly into the river. My environmentalist college days suddenly rushed back to me, but those days are long gone. There's an opening in the metal covering just big enough for a 5 foot mutant turtle to fit through. Even though we were sitting in grime, the view of the moon above shimmering on the rippling river water was so beautiful. We sat there for a good long while in the moonlight. After a while Raphael asked me in that thick accent, "So ya really wanna leave?" I didn't know what to say. He sounded almost sad. I moved really close and leaned against his arm. I don't think he expected that because I felt his muscles tense. What I didn't expect was for him to build up the nerve to put his arm around me. I can't begin to describe what it felt like.

I told him I didn't want to leave, but I do miss my home and the city. Then just like that, he stands up and grabs my hands and says, "Well then, let's go see the city." He gave me this sly grin then leaned back and pulled me into the river without another word. It was totally spontaneous but I just went with it. He was letting me be free again. We swam to some docks and told me to follow him closely which I did, for a while. For a turtle he sure is fast. I couldn't keep up. He kept weaving in and out of pitch-dark alleys. He must have noticed I was falling behind because he slowed down and took my hand again until we came to a stop at some building's fire escape ladder. He actually wanted me to climb it. I was a little confused. So he just grabbed me and slung me over his shell and told me to hold onto him tightly. I freaked out a little and almost strangled him with my arms when he started to scale the ladder really quickly. It felt like King Kong had abducted me and was taking me up the Empire State Building.

Turns out it wasn't the Empire State Building, but it was a high office building nonetheless. I clung to him as tightly as I could and closed my eyes. I couldn't believe he was climbing a building without any fear or reservation with a lizard girl on his back. He just went from one fire escape to the next with ease, and even pulled us up from window sill to window sill. I was sure that someone would see us. Either that or I would lose my grip and become road kill/street pizza. I was starting to feel ill at the thought when he suddenly set me down and told me to open my eyes. I've never seen the city from so high up. All of the tiny lights sparkling below were dazzling. It was so much easier to see the moon and the stars from above the light pollution. I couldn't have asked for anything more to lift my spirits.

Raphael sat next to me-- we were sitting right on the ledge. I asked him how high we were. He said about 50 stories or so. I reached over and put my hand on his thigh and he grew tense again. Then he asked me if I was scared. I looked at him and asked, "Are you?" I guess I sounded a little coy when I said it because I swear his green skin turned red as his bandanna. I don't know what came over me then, but I just leaned closer and kissed him on the cheek and told him I didn't feel scared when he was around. For the rest of the time we just sat there in silence, watching the world below go by from a distance. I could have stayed up there with him forever.

I think Donatello is knocking. Better get going.

Evening entry! I thought Donatello was upset at me for sleeping so late. When I answered the door he gave me this look like he had a bad taste in his mouth. Of course, I also thought that could be because I look like a ragamuffin. But he told me that he and his brothers wanted to have a word with me after lunch. Boy that didn't sound good! But, after a nutritious lunch of marshmallow and spinach pizza (It's actually not as awful as it sounds), the guys waited until Splinter went on his midday stroll through the sewer to have this "talk" with me. Again, I can't believe it. Leonardo approached me—he looked so serious and Raphael looked nervous—Donatello apprehensive and Michelangelo about to burst with excitement. I was so confused. I thought Leonardo might have learned about my and Raphael's late night excursion and was going to reprimand me about it. But to the contrary, he asked me if I felt comfortable with going back to my apartment. They want me to be more comfortable here and they think if I get some of my belongings I might feel more at home. I just can't believe how concerned they are about me. I'm almost sure that they think Splinter will disagree with taking me topside—why else would they ask me while he was away? I hate to make any waves—I know how much respect they have for their father. But I just couldn't say no! Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael are going to take me. Leonardo said he will stay behind in case Splinter wakes up. The way he explained it all to me, I can't help but think it's putting a huge strain on him to go behind his father's back. I told him I could go alone but they all said "no way." I hope this doesn't turn out bad. I suppose if I come back alive, I'll write all about it!


	3. Welcome to the Old Apartment

Diaries of a Mutated Green Woman

A/N: Just to clarify, I'm using a mix of different TMNT universes—so this isn't really Rob Paulsen's Raphael (much love to R.P. but I think the edgier Raph is more appropriate for what I'll be going for). So I'll be borrowing some elements from the 2k3 show and other universes.

It's been literally years since I updated this (or just about). The mood struck me to do so because I'm revisiting my TMNT love (read:obsession). I know I mentioned I'd be stepping out of the diary format, but after re-reading and re-evaluating the direction of the story, I've reconsidered. So I do hope you enjoy the diary format. I hope that I convey enough of Mona's thoughts that you can visualize what the other characters are doing. As always, comments and reviews are appreciated! I'll try not to drop off the planet for another 2 years, but as always, no promises!

0o0o Vilsy

* * *

**Day 16**

_Dearest Diary,_

How are you this morning? I'm positively peachy! Do you know why? I HAVE A HAIRBRUSH AND SHAMPOO! Oh my, I never thought I'd write so many exclamation points over something so mundane. But in all seriousness, I am so very relieved and grateful. Our little covert excursion last night was more than a success,  
and I saw a similar relief in Leonardo's expression when we trounced back in around 3:30 am. Needless to say, as I'm writing this at 8:37am, I'm a little on the sleepy side.

Oh, where to start? As I am now surrounded by many of my old personal effects, I have the overwhelming urge to skip writing this entry and just dive into my things. However our adventure is still burning in my mind so I'd better jot it down while it's fresh.

As I wrote previously, Leonardo stayed behind here at the lair to divert Splinter should he wake in the middle of the night on some off chance. Raphael didn't think it would be an issue, but Leonardo insisted that Splinter would "just know" that we were gone if he stirred. Luckily when we tiptoed back in with bags full of my things, nothing seemed to be amiss.

The journey to my old neighborhood was wrought with mixed feelings as anyone can imagine. I almost felt like I had forgotten the way, but Donatello assured me that they were pretty good with street addresses. I didn't know what to make of that- maybe they had done a stint as delivery turtles? Doubtful if not ridiculous, but at the time I chalked it up to him trying to comfort my nerves.

Well, we were all dressed up in musty, over-sized trench coats and I felt utterly absurd. The boys were donning well-used fedoras, and they managed to find me a newsboy cap that I could draw over my eyes and my big, fat, sea-slug muzzle. For the most part, we looked like rejected stunt doubles of James Cagney. Obviously these boys need some fashion guidance. The coat I was wearing had to be a men's size infinity, because no part of me conceivably fit into it. I was able to hook my tail into one of the baggy sleeves just so it wouldn't bob along behind me and render the whole disguise thing useless.

Needless to say this was uncomfortable. And yet even in those silly get-ups, the boys just moved a little too quickly for me. I'm getting used to controlling this crazy body I'm living in, but I still can't quite gallop at the breakneck speeds these ninja fellows prefer to travel- especially while flailing about in a 1940s movie studio wardrobe. Honestly, I really thought turtles were supposed to be slow!

Leonardo had insisted on the "disguises". Raphael explained that they only use the coats when they will perceivably be made to mingle with humans, or if they must go out in the daytime. Otherwise they don't bother and stick to the roofs. Leonardo didn't want us roof-hopping, and thankfully so because despite Raph's and my lovely King Kong excursion, I knew as well as anyone I'd be a liability way up there.

It seems like as soon as they set foot on "outside world" soil, it's an instant marathon anyway, disguises or not. We were weaving in and out of dumpsters and alleys and climbing over things they could just as easily walked around. I guess that's what it takes for "people" like us to survive in a world that doesn't belong to us. No amount of tattered old clothing will change that.

Well, enough of that negativity. I just took a cab ride on Raph's back again. He didn't seem to mind but Michelangelo kept shooting him these amused grins as we went along. Just once we had to stop moving and hide at Donatello's direction. We were cramped together in one of those extra-narrow spaces between buildings while a group of super-late-night revelers were stumbling down a back alley, drunk off their rears. I figured they were so toasted they wouldn't know a mutant turtle in a trench coat from the next guy, but better safe than sorry. Donatello seemed to sense that they might get rowdy if they met other people in the alley. I've seen the types at that hour, and although I know the boys could handle anything some drunk humans could throw at them, I suddenly felt like a precious commodity. I don't know if he meant to but Raphael was holding me pretty close while we stood there, waiting for them to pass by. It's funny, for a reptile he sure generates some nice body heat. I felt like he was protecting me. It felt better than carrying a can of pepper spray.

So off we went once the eminent danger of club-hopping drunks had passed. Donatello asked me to repeat my cross streets which I did, but I told him we were still a ways off. He seemed to be doing some quick thinking as in the next moment he veered away and Michelangelo and Raphael followed without a hitch, not unlike a flock of birds changing direction seamlessly. Before I knew it, Donatello was prying a manhole cover off of the street (Really, I thought they sealed those things shut? I guess workers need to get down there somehow...) and back into the sewers we jumped.

I was confused at this point but dared not speak up since they seemed to know what they were doing. Moments later after the musky funk of sewage had once again embedded itself in my senses, up a ladder we went and tada! We were standing on the corner where my apartment building is. Donatello really wasn't kidding about the directions thing.

So my street is of course still busy, even at 1 o'clock in the morning. Cabs and cars were flying by at Mach speed, taking advantage of the less crowded grid during the early hours. Donatello made some hand gestures that I assumed you had to be a card-carrying member of Club Ninja to decipher, since Raphael and Michelangelo instantly maneuvered backwards. I hadn't seen Donatello in a commander's role since I'd met him- it was always Leonardo giving the game plans during their sparring sessions and he seemed to be the general moderator. Leader, even, though he denied it when I asked, half jokingly, if they had special ninja ranks. It looks like Donatello was merely picking up the slack in Leonardo's absence since I was almost sure that either Raph or Mikey would have just bolted across the street, vaulting over buses and cabs should the need arise.

I guess we were trying to look and act "casual" until there was a break in the traffic. Honestly, if I saw three hulking men and a scraggly looking thing (me) all wearing the same ridiculous trench coat get-ups on the sidewalk, I'd cross the street and hope they didn't notice me. But things turned out OK, so I guess I can't rag on the disguises too harshly. Michelangelo must have creepy mind-reading powers because just as I was imagining one of those old British spy movies he asked me, "Hey Mona, do you like spy flicks?" I laughed out loud like a horse, I imagine, because Raphael and Donatello stared at me pointedly from under their silly fedoras. I felt like hailing a cab and riding away from the embarrassment.

But instead I told Mikey that I did indeed enjoy spy movies, particularly the ones with that really handsome guy in the tuxedo. Raphael made some sort of snorting sound which I now identify as disgust. Maybe he doesn't like spy movies or maybe he doesn't like handsome men in suits. Darned if I know. But I digress.

Mikey began to chatter on about his favorite spy films and Raphael declared that the so-called handsome British spy man had NOTHING on him. He was very vehement about it all of a sudden. Donatello decided that he was bored with the conversation or that it was now finally safe to cross the street, and he asked us to keep it down to a "dull roar".

Just to keep the atmosphere light, I assured Donatello that my apartment neighbors were old people with poor hearing, and that it was way past their bed time. Donatello looked skeptical and I think Raphael finally lost his oh-so-plentiful patience, as he announced that the "damn road" was clear and we should get moving.

Crazy little thing happened and I have to wonder a little bit more about Raphael. It looked like he wanted me to take his hand but he wasn't very forceful about it. Like he expected me to just do it. And I would have, but Michelangelo rather eagerly grabbed my hand instead and hauled me across the street. He announced that I was an honorary ninja-spy and seemed voraciously excited about it. I looked back and caught glimpse of Raphael's face and it was contorted in something akin to rage. I'm not sure how I want to read into that.

But again, I digress.

This entry is dragging on! I've covered three pages and we've just crossed the street!

Well I'll write just a few more things then I'll get to sorting out my lovely belongings.

I really did feel like an honorary spy when we got to my apartment. I lost my keys during the unpleasant mutation incident, along with my wallet and all manner of other important personal effects. I suppose I don't need them now, but I keep thinking that the police are holding them as evidence at one of the precincts. I guess I'll never find out. But since I had three ninja at my disposal, I was assured by them personally that I didn't need a key. That notion bothered me a little, but hey, I'm a wild woman now so I throw civil decency to the wind. I at least remembered the key code needed to buzz us into the lobby. The night security guard was at his desk, though, and Donatello suggested that we not all march in together as the Cagney Gang as it would surely stir up suspicion.

So Raphael practically snatched me away and said he'd go inside with me while Donatello and Mikey stayed behind. Mikey declared that he and his brother could wait on the fire escape and I could let them in through the window. I pointed out which window was mine. I got a bad taste in my mouth all of a sudden because it felt like we were conspiring a breaking and entering. But it IS my apartment... or was. The rent's not due till next week. So it's still technically mine. But it won't be for long.

In any case, Raphael and I tried to shuffle past the guard as nonchalantly as possible. My heart was beating a mile a minute because I just knew he would stop us and ask us who we were and who we were going to see. Which he did, and I was glad to see he was doing his job, but I almost wet myself. I concocted a lie quickly as Raphael took some threatening steps towards the guard. I assume he intended to knock the guy out and tie him up as per the Ninja-For-Dummies guidelines, but I couldn't have that.

I altered my voice and sounded pretty much like an idiot, claiming that we were my "cousins" and we were visiting "me" from Chicago. As if Chicago might explain our dopey outfits. Luckily for us the guard was either tired or a security liability and asked us to sign the guest sheet, which I took off his desk and brought over to Raphael to sign in his chicken-scratch handwriting. I had the forethought to let him do it so in the event I ended up a missing persons case, they wouldn't have my handwriting under a false alias. Those spy movies really got to me, I guess. Michelangelo thought it was pretty clever when I explained it to everyone later. I have a feeling, though, that my "unfortunate science accident" is being covered up. It's been weeks since I've been home and the security guard didn't mention that. I haven't even seen a story for it on the news. It's something to ponder, but it didn't matter to me at the time. Maybe I'll ask that newswoman sometime.

Anyway, after we signed in as "Ralph" and "Monette" (Creativity under pressure is clearly not Raph's forte), the guard let us go on to the elevators and we went up to my floor. This was when I got really creeped out, so much so that I stopped in my tracks in the hallway and refused to move for a spell. Raphael tried to instill some confidence back into me and he put his hand on my shoulder. I felt like I would melt into a gooey puddle right then and there. For once I was glad that my skin is so green I'm unable to blush, visibly.

With some coaching he got me to my apartment door. I don't know what it was. Maybe the scary feeling of being back there after it had been vacant for weeks. Or the even scarier feeling that I was, in essence, about to rob myself. Or the scariest feeling that after that night, I was never going to be able to set foot in my old home again.

Whatever it was, Raphael confirmed that the door we were standing in front of was truly mine and he looked around a few times before pulling out one of his sais. I wasn't sure what he was planning to do with it and even that scared me a little. I was just so jumpy. It's embarrassing now.

But as promised, he didn't need a key and jimmied the lock open with the end of his sai. And by jimmied I mean "completely destroyed" but you know. It was my door. I consented. I think.

Walking back into my apartment burdened me with mixed feelings. It smelled a little bad, which I instantly chalked up to be spoiled food in the fridge. So we avoided the kitchen for the most part. After zoning out for a while, I ran to the window and sure enough, Donatello and Mikey were crouching on the fire escape. I unlocked the window and let them inside.

Michelangelo bolted in and ran around like a mad turtle looking at everything with rampant fascination. He even made the regrettable mistake of whisking open the refrigerator door with a resounding "WHOA, NASTY!" I could tell they didn't get to see the inside of apartments very frequently. Donatello seemed far more cautious and crept around like a cat burglar, as I'm sure that's what he felt like. Raphael made himself at home on my sofa and kicked his feet up on the coffee table like he owned the place. I dared not turn on any lights but it was pretty dark in there. Even the lights from the adjacent buildings weren't really enough to make it easy to see. So I turned on just one tiny lamp and hoped no one would think twice if they caught a glimpse of four weirdos through the window.

Donatello asked what he could do to help, and after hearing that, Raphael leaped off the couch and butted in front of his brother, ready to be more-helpful-than-thou. In all honesty I suddenly forgot what we were doing there. The promise of all my fantastic stuff hadn't dawned on me yet. It wasn't until Michelangelo appeared out of my bathroom with my hairbrush in his hand and a big smile on his face that I remembered. I was so happy to see the stupid thing (the hair brush, not Mikey) that I ran up to him and just hugged him. I don't know why I did. It seemed harmless, and I was enraptured that he had remembered that my hair was a disgusting abomination and needed to be saved. But Raphael seemed really put off by it. In so much that he kept shoving Michelangelo out of his way for the rest of the night. I know they usually rough house for fun but this appeared deliberate.

I tried to think of things that the boys and Splinter might be able to use or benefit from, not just myself. They seemed to do without a lot of comforts that your modern human being takes for granted (besides cable television and video games, of course) so I couldn't imagine what they might need off the top of my head. They had the bare essentials and they seemed to do all right with them. My hairbrush certainly isn't going to be of much service to them. I snagged some non-perishable food items- cans of soup, packages of ramen (which as a college student was a staple). Peanut butter, brownie mix. Yeah, just the random stuff I kept in the cupboard but never used. Honestly, anything would be better than pizza at this point. I hope none of the guys ever find and read this.

I even wasted some time trying on my clothes like they were brand new and exquisite. I was standing in front of the mirror like a fashion model, but really I was thinking about how hideous I am and how even my nicest clothes don't hide that fact. Even so, I brought some back with me, just in case I need to be reminded of what I once was. It was terribly embarrassing, because I'm pretty sure the boys were watching me from the door. Again, I know me being stark naked is completely acceptable in a... non-sexual way to them. They're turtles after all, and rather nude themselves. As far as I've experienced, this is not abnormal to them, and I've never caught them "looking" at me in that way. At least I don't think so. They started out as animals, not humans like me, so I guess it's a... cultural difference. If that makes any sense whatsoever.

Regardless, I couldn't help but think watching a female dress and undress was a new thing for them... and that freaked me out a little. Being in my apartment and engulfed by my lost human world brought me back to my old self. I really felt like covering up again, so I wore my old favorite dress underneath the trench coat when we got ready to leave. Silly, I know. Raphael told me it looked "nice" but I think he was humoring me.

In any case, an hour or two zoomed by and I had packed four duffel bags worth of my stuff. Donatello discovered my home chemistry set and couldn't keep his eyes off of it. I think he was salivating. I had to laugh, and I asked him if he liked it, similarly to how he had asked me if I liked his lab. He seemed embarrassed and told me that it was a very "handsome" set. I practically giggled at his wording. I couldn't help it. It was a cute way to describe something so nerdy.

It is a lot newer than the one he has here. It was issued to me brand new from my hopelessly expensive college. I'm sure once they realize I'm never coming back, they'll want their shiny equipment returned. But you know what? Donatello deserved a gift for treating me so nicely regarding his lab and his personal space. So my chemistry set is his now.

So we managed to carry all this stuff out of the window and down the fire escape. I had to stop at the bottom and stare up at the place for a while. It was hard to let it go, especially after ransacking it like a common thief. I felt dirty and evil. Lying to the security guard and damaging the property I no longer planned on inhabiting or paying rent on. Leaving without at least cleaning it up for the next tenant so it doesn't so much resemble a crime scene. It was all wrong. I don't know if I'll really be able to get over it any time soon.

The bags were heavy, which was my fault. Michelangelo complained about the weight. I'm sure, by his constant "a-hyuk" tone, that he was joking, but Raphael told him to quit being a "weak little crybaby". Of course, I started to whine about my bag like a spoiled little girl about three blocks into our return trip. Despite his impatient demeanor with  
Mikey, Raphael immediately snatched my bag and hauled two of them effortlessly like Atlas himself. He was either showing off or wanted me to shut up, I imagine. I don't blame him either way, and I was really grateful for the help.

I really wanted to take the bus. We didn't look too much stranger than anyone else I've ever seen on the bus, but Donatello didn't really think it was a good idea. I trusted his judgment, but my feet still hurt.

So wow, it's almost 9:30 and I've spent an hour writing this entry. Maybe when aliens excavate this diary in 2000 years they'll appreciate how bizarre my life has become. In any case, I'm off to take a freezing cold shower and wash my revolting hair!

**Day 16 - Evening Entry**

I'm actually quite proud of myself. I really, really didn't want to take any time out of the night to sit and write more, after this morning's monster of an entry. But I'm still excited about last night's adventure and all the loot I scored.

Also, there's something important that happened tonight at dinner. I was so stoked that I offered to cook. Me! Cook! HA! I like boiling chemicals on a Bunsen burner just fine, but oddly enough I'm not much of a cook. Microwave cuisine is more my thing. Not to psychoanalyze myself, but I think I'm so interested in the chemistry of cooking that the process takes too long and my stomach starts growling before I've even got the water boiling.

But I'm so tired of pizza (again, I blaspheme) that I just had to cook up something different now that I have the option. So I introduced my pizza-obsessed friends to ramen. Splinter seemed surprised at my offer to cook, and was in something of a nostalgic stupor for most of the evening. He kept talking about soba and udon and all manner of noodles while we ate. His boys didn't seem all that interested though Leonardo politely nodded at all the right times. I think they were preoccupied pretending to enjoy what I had served them. Ramen isn't the most glamorous of meals but I was used to eating it in excess during college. So I suppose by comparison, my ramen is their pizza. Go figure.

But that wasn't the most, dare I say, exciting part. While Splinter was chatting away I took a breather from slurping up the noodles like a piggy and rested my hand on my knee under the table. Not two seconds later I feel something quite like a hand slide over my fingers. I must have sat up straight like a board and my tail did this awful twitching thing, but no one seemed to notice. They were all transfixed on their father's joyful, furry face. I felt like a complete fool but I could not remember which of the boys I was sitting next to. I shifted my eyes to the left and I saw Mikey dutifully chewing though I'm sure he was fantasizing about pepperoni and sausage. So I looked to the right, where I should have looked to begin with as it was my right hand that was being touched. Raphael was glaring at me. Perhaps glowering. I don't' know the right word to use, but it was an intense look. I felt completely... I can't think of the word to write for that either.

Something inside me wanted to shout, "WHAT ARE YOU HOLDING MY HAND FOR?" But the other something in me already surmised the answer so I kept my trap shut. I turned back to Splinter's account of how delicious sukiyaki is and I was sure my lips were trembling all the while. Raphael was totally squeezing my fingers! Squeezing them! Well, not hard like he was trying to crush my puny little bones in his great powerful grasp, but squeezing like... a gentle kind of squeeze.

And, I guess I gently squeezed back.


End file.
